We Plan and God Laughs

So what do you do when in a matter of a few days, you find your life turned upside-down? On Wednesday you were chasing a dream of travel and adventure in a van with your boyfriend and by Friday you’re facing the world alone with no job, no place to live, and no boyfriend. This is my story.

I think it started around Christmas of this past year. I remember being back home with my family in Michigan with this seed of “vanlife” planted in my brain somewhere. At that time it was just a far away dream of something I had seen on Instagram. I showed pictures of vans to my family and talked about how amazing it would be, and they all thought I was crazy.

I had met my boyfriend in July: a Tinder match that seemed to be my other half. After my divorce, I had decided to get back into the dating world and the plan included years of Tinder dates so I could meet every type of guy out there before settling down again. This is where one of my mom’s favorite sayings came into play, “We plan and God laughs.” My first weekend on Tinder my boyfriend came into my life and that plan of “date everyone” was long gone.

This boyfriend would open up my world to the joy of the outdoors. I already had a love for hiking and trail running but after meeting him I was sleeping in a hammock in the woods before work on Monday morning and roughing it on 20 degree nights just to extend camping season a little longer. Our shared love for adventure was unlike that of anyone we knew. So when this vanlife seed started to sprout, he didn’t dismiss the idea. We grappled with it, watched YouTube videos of it, thought of possibly starting small with a teardrop trailer or making it a goal to camp for 52 weekends straight. But then something clicked. Looking back I think it was the realization that he could go back to school on the GI bill and get his degree, which would put more of a purpose behind leaving his high-paying job. Once this piece fell into place it was all systems go. We created spreadsheets upon spreadsheets, doing research on vans, builds, and cost breakdowns. We made plans upon plans (insert God laughing). We were going to sell our belongings, end my lease, finish projects at his house, sell his house, quit our jobs, and move in with his parents while we did our van build. Then once it was done, we would hit the road.

We began telling our families. His family was more excited about it than mine was. His generous parents were more than happy to let us move in while we built our van and were excited to see us off on our adventure. My mom eventually came around to the idea and even became one of our biggest cheerleaders. My dad is another story.

Next on the list was to start selling our belongings. My boyfriend jumped right in and had half of his stuff listed online that week. Stuff started selling and his house started feeling empty. This transition wasn’t easy. We no longer had a place to sit and eat, clothes were kept in boxes, and some things had more sentimental value than we realized. But we kept telling ourselves, “It’s just stuff.” This transition was getting us closer to our dream.

After much discussion, I let my administrator know that I would not be returning next year. I knew this would be the hardest step for me. I’ve been a first grade teacher for 5 years at the same school. As much as I might complain about my job, it truly brings me a huge sense of joy and fulfillment and it’s something I work extremely hard at. I definitely shed some tears while I told my amazing administrator about my plans. While I was SO excited about what was in store for me, it was hard to be leaving my dream job! My admin was also excited for my upcoming adventure but was devastated to see me go.

Next we started working on projects around my boyfriend’s house to get it ready to put up for sale. This was going to be a test of our patience and a practice round for the many months of building projects we had ahead of us. First up: backsplash in the kitchen. While many couples would rather pay someone to do this tedious task, we fully embraced the challenge, worked as a team, and actually enjoyed learning this skill together. We never once argued or lost our patience, my boyfriend even encouraged me to cut some of the tile myself, and the finished kitchen looked amazing. Things were really looking up for us as we realized building this van together might actually be fun.

The first week in April we had another test of vanlife: a road trip to Tennessee to visit my boyfriend’s best friend. This would be 2 days of 12-hour drives each way. We also took it one step further, as only we would do: instead of getting a hotel, we slept in the back of the car. We knew if we could handle these long days of driving and our coldest night yet (plus a few inches of snow), we could handle vanlife. Well I don’t think it came as a surprise to either of us that we absolutely enjoyed the drive. We chatted, listened to podcasts (mostly about adventuring and vanlife), and dreamt about how great it would be when we could do this without a timeframe and stop along the way as we pleased. In this moment, life was perfect.

As we neared the end of our trip though, something changed. I don’t know if I’ll ever understand what happened really. But suddenly, something felt wrong. During the first day of our drive back, the car felt tense and I knew something was off. When I asked my boyfriend about it, my life suddenly unraveled.

He couldn’t do vanlife. After all this planning, careful considerations, and meticulous research, he was backing out. Many people understand why he would make this decision- quit your job, sell your belongings and your house, live in a van- it seemed insane. But it was OUR insane that we created together, so carefully. My brain raced as he told me this news. I wasn’t devastated about missing out on this opportunity, I was terrified of what I had just gotten myself into. My position at work had already been filled and my lease was over at the end of the month. Not only did I not have a place to live, but soon I wouldn’t be able to afford a new place to live.

To make matters worse, as my life is crumbling around me, I’m stuck in a car for another 24 hours next to the person who, in just one sentence, sent my life into a tailspin.

I cried myself to sleep that night, huddled in my 0-degree bag in the back of the Subaru. I don’t think I had ever been so afraid in my life. I was sure I would go to sleep and when I woke up my life would be back to normal just as quickly as it fell apart.

At this point in the story, most people are angry. They’re angry that my boyfriend had encouraged me to make these drastic changes before being completely sure that was what he wanted. Sometimes I wish I could be angry, too. That would make this story less complicated. Now his reasons behind changing his mind are deeper than I’ll discuss with the world on the Internet. And honestly, this blog is about me, not him.

After a cold, sad night, we began our second 12-hour stretch. This one was more painful. I cried most of those 12 hours and when I wasn’t crying, we were sitting in silence. He told me he needed space and wanted to spend the next week apart. While I wanted nothing more than to get out of that car, I was worried that once I did I would lose him forever.

The next week was the longest week of my life. Minutes crawled by and I felt like I was drifting hopelessly. I had no plan.

The month of April was really an emotional rollercoaster. Some days we wanted to make this relationship work and were going to chase this vanlife, other days we weren’t going to be together at all. Then one day, something clicked. When we had dreamed of vanlife we had thought about all of the worst-case scenarios like not having a job and not having a place to live. I was living out that worst-case scenario without even doing vanlife. I figured I had 2 choices: I could try and piece my life back together and do my best to make it resemble what I once had, or I could continue on this journey I had set out for. I decided to take these horrible circumstances that I found myself in and make it into the most miraculous thing I had ever done. I was going to pursue vanlife, with or without him.

I sat down with my boyfriend to tell him this plan. Before we had started planning vanlife, we had talked about me ending my lease at the end of May and moving in together. Although my lease was ending in just 2 weeks now, I told him I still wanted to move in with him and we could see where our relationship went. This way I wouldn’t be homeless and he wouldn’t have to quit his job or sell his house. I would still be buying a van and building it and we would try a long-distance relationship while I traveled. We were making plans again, and God was laughing harder than ever.

Movers showed up to my apartment to move me to his house. I felt some anxiety about the move. Usually this would be such an exciting time and I couldn’t help but feel like this wasn’t right. Well, it wasn’t. Shortly after moving in, we ended our relationship. A new worst-case scenario.

So here I am now, writing this blog post from the basement of my ex-boyfriend’s house, where I’ve made a makeshift living space. I’m sitting among boxes of all my belongings while my dog sleeps atop my mattress on the floor. I’m heartbroken, or better yet, heart-shattered. But I have yet to die of a broken heart, and this won’t be the time that happens.

I’ve learned tremendous amounts from this experience and this relationship. I’ve always known I was strong, but I’ve discovered this unbreakable strength deep within that makes me incredibly proud of the journey I’ve endured. I’ve become my own superhero. I’ve also found this profound spiritual connection with the Earth that keeps me centered and helps me glue my pieces back together. But most of all, I’ve learned to accept myself as enough and to stand up for myself and my happiness.

So fast-forward a couple weeks and there is a big, white van sitting out front. My getaway car. His name is Forrest, as in Forrest and Jennay, peas and carrots. The name was fitting because while he really means well, he could also use a little help. And because of how deeply Forrest loves Jennay, even with her faults and rough-edges. I’m about to take on this next chapter of my life with my own strength, grit, and passion (and my loyal pup riding shotgun). I hope you join me online (or meet up with me in-person) for what’s bound to be an incredible journey of a girl and her dog who won’t be stopped in their pursuit of a full, intentional, adventurous life.

 

“Life is tough, my darling, but so are you.” ~Stephanie Bennett Henry