In the weeks following my Sedona trip, I really hit a rough patch. To those of you who had to ride the daily roller coaster with me, thanks for sticking it out with me. For the rest of you, here is what happened.
Obviously, I really struggled after that sudden heartbreak that led me to this journey. If you’re just joining me now, you’ll want to read my first post here.
I let myself be sad, like REALLY sad, for about two weeks. I think emotions are important and letting yourself feel those emotions and pass through them is healthy. But you can’t dwell forever. At some point you must pick yourself up by your Chaco straps, dust yourself off, and keep moving forward. So, after that point of mourning and after coming to terms with the fact that he really meant what he said, and this wasn’t just some mistake, I decided to start moving forward again. I decided it was time for a positive distraction in my life, so I decided to get back on Tinder (go ahead, roll your eyes). Now when I get to this point in the story, there are usually very strong opinions. Yes, I already had the van. Yes, I was still planning on going. Yes, I know I fall fast and hard even when my intentions are to keep things casual. But I still signed up for Tinder. And just what everyone feared would happen, did. I met a great guy right out of the gates.
He checked all the boxes… his love for the outdoors rivaled mine, he loved my dog, he could make me laugh, he could cook (he’s a chef), he’s from the Midwest (bonus points), and at a time when my confidence was rattled, he made me feel whole again. On top of all that, he had vanlife dreams of his own, so he was incredibly supportive of mine.
But the heart wants what it wants. And mine apparently still wanted my ex. No matter how amazing this new guy was, or how hurt I had been in the last relationship, I couldn’t let go of what I had. This caught me by surprise and I didn’t realize it for a while. At the most unexpected moments I’d break down and feel that heartache again, even though things with this guy were going so well.
During all of this, my ex realized he had made a huge mistake. This is another part of the story that evokes many emotions and opinions. But like any relationship, the only people who truly understand it are the two people who are in it. And those are the only two people who need to understand it. So, the rest of the details will remain off the internet.
When he told me he wanted to be with me again, everything was turned upside-down. I knew deep down I still wasn’t over him and I missed what we had, so it was hard to just tell him “too bad, so sad”. But I did.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t as concise as I make it seem. Over the span of a couple months my heart and mind were at war and I felt like I was breaking hearts left and right. I am a people-pleaser and making people unhappy makes me unhappy. Well, I was at my unhappiest.
I also had absolutely no stability in my life. If you haven’t read (this) post I suggest starting there to get an idea. I had been bouncing between places to live, my job had ended, the task of building a van seemed impossible, and my love life was a soap opera. This all took a huge toll on me and my breaking point was a text message. My “roommate” at my friend’s place was a total neat freak. I really appreciate being tidy but when you’re living in someone else’s space with no place to put your stuff, it’s impossible to be neat. Plus, I have a dog. Dakota is the sweetest, easiest, quietest dog out there. She never barks, she prefers to keep to herself, and she doesn’t destroy things. But she sheds.
One night when I was about to head “home” for the night, I got a text from my roommate. In the nicest way possible, she asked if I would vacuum to clean up the dog hair. But in a time where I was already feeling like I didn’t have a place that was my own, where I could be comfortable and relax, this text was enough to put me over the edge. I had a panic attack.
I have only had one panic attack before and it was when my ex-husband was deployed. I know that seems a lot more serious than a text message about dog hair, but my mental health was at an all time low. The one bit of stability I had was now gone.
Over the next few weeks I was seeking out anything that would bring that stability back in my life. I didn’t feel like myself anymore. It’s like the things that once defined me were all gone. I was no longer a teacher, but I wasn’t living in a van yet (I was hardly even building it yet). I wasn’t training for triathlons since I was bouncing from place to place. I was struggling to feel like Jenny again. And really, my other half was missing.
I made the tough decision to end my relationship. Even though he was wonderful, it wasn’t fair to him. I was still mourning my old relationship while trying to make a new one. I will always feel bad for everything I put him through while I was trying to piece myself back together.
Right at that moment, I got a text from the girl who was letting me live in her condo. She had texted me saying that my roommate reached out to her because she didn’t like me having people over and she wanted me to keep that to a minimum. Now not only was my dog a problem, but I was a problem too. And I was causing drama for my friend who was doing me a HUGE favor by letting me live in her place. I couldn’t build this van without having people over to help. My world was crumbling down around me. I was heartbroken over ending a great relationship and now I knew I needed to find a different place to live. I had another panic attack.
Suddenly there I was, lying on the floor hyperventilating, trying not to pass out, and crying harder than I ever have in my life. The guy whose heart I had just broken was holding me, trying to help me breathe, and calming me down. He could have just left me there, but he didn’t. Hearts and minds sure have different ways of processing things.
As soon as I calmed down though he threw some choice words at me and stormed out. I didn’t know what to do or where to go. Then I texted my ex with a message I’m sure he was surprised to receive.
“I need a gigantic favor. Will you please let me move back in?”
I was sure he would welcome me back with open arms. Just a few days before, he was telling me he loved me and begging me to give him another chance! But to my surprise, his response was less than enthusiastic. He said, “let’s talk about it” and wanted to meet up. As soon as I saw him I could tell he was unhappy with me. He called me out for some of the lying and deceiving I had done lately (well deserved, I definitely wasn’t being my best self). He basically told me he needed to think about it. On my drive back to the house where my roommate would be avoiding me, I felt totally alone. If he wouldn’t let me move back in, I’d have to pack up and build the van in Michigan.
The next day he agreed to let me move back in and we set the boundaries to be “friends”. While a part of me still wanted to see if we could piece back what we once had, another part of me was skeptical. So much damage was done, and I wasn’t sure I would be ready to open myself back up for more hurt. There was also part of me that felt really ready to just be alone. I had never said those words before in my life, which was probably a sign that it’s really what I needed. But if I didn’t give this one more shot, would I ever get closure?
Over the next few weeks we worked on the van together in every spare moment we had. I’d work on it all day and as soon as he’d get home from work he’d jump right in and help me until the sun went down. Building the van together brought us much closer and soon “friends” became an actual relationship. We were finding our groove and learning to trust each other again. My panic attacks also stopped, and I was starting to really feel like myself. We talked about doing vanlife together, but he still had some hesitation. I was in a much better place with these conversations this time because now I had a van that was mine, so if he joined me and it didn’t work out, I’d still have my van and I’d just continue solo. Ultimately, he knew he wasn’t ready to join me in the van, so we decided to plan stops along the way where he can meet me for adventures and we’ll try this relationship long-distance.
That brings us to now. I’m currently 11 days into this solo adventure with my sidekick, Dakota. I’m definitely enjoying the alone time and my heart is bursting with gratitude as I get to experience amazing things. Do I miss my boyfriend? ABSOLUTELY. It’s much easier to “laugh it off” (as he would say) when your partner is there to laugh with you. Plus, he would LOVE the things I’ve seen and done so far, so I wish I was sharing it with him. He’ll be joining me on the road for a long weekend in just a few more days, so I’ll just keep counting down to that.
